The loss of a love is hard. I know, I went through it. Shortly after my break-up, I began to meet many other people who were going through the same journey – grief after the loss of a love. This web site was created from our experiences. I felt compelled to put it together because my association with the many people I've met along the way tells me that there is a lot of suffering, yet very little help, out there. As a result, too many people are going through their grief in silence.

If you have experienced the break-up of a romantic relationship, you are probably facing a loss of self, lifestyle and identity. You may be feeling rejected and betrayed. You may be questioning your choice of that mate who caused you such hurt and you may be concerned that you will ever be able to trust anyone else again. Well-meaning friends may be reacting by pointing out faults in your ex, expecting that this should cause you to stop thinking and talking about the loss and “get over it” much too soon. This kind of logic can rarely address the strong emotions you are experiencing and can make you become further overwhelmed with a sense of weakness, isolation, and an inability to heal.

There are many misconceptions and lack of understanding of your experience and feelings in the weeks, months and years after the loss of your love. This web site will help dispel the myths for you and the other people in your life, who want to help you.

 

Myth: After a certain amount of time (3 weeks, 3 months, 6 months) you should be “over it” and “move on”….

The typical scenario is a griever who is still talking about a lost love, while a friend replies, “you’re not over that yet!” However…

Healthy change is a process, not an event. It may take some time to reestablish your identity and way of life. In most cases, your ex began a gradual breaking away process in his or her mind long before the desire to end the relationship was announced. However, when you get the news, you are suddenly faced with an unplanned loss. Unfortunately, most lost loves do not stay around to help. You were probably left alone to deal with the pain. Therefore, it is up to you to find the help and resources you need.

Healing after such a traumatic loss is not easy. It will not happen just because you declare you are "over it" or because other people say you should be. Everyone has to take his or her own unique journey-- honor your pace and trust the process.

During this process, look for people who can sit with you, listen, and be with you without trying to encourage you to “move on” too quickly. Words such as "aren't you over that yet?" are not as helpful as "I am here for you for as long as it takes." See Healing Techniques for more about being present.

Myth: A new love is the answer...

Grief is essential to healing. But, since the feelings can be emotionally and physically draining, it is no wonder that you may find it preferable to go around the grief, rather than through it—to deny it, to leave unresolved feelings and to “move on” too quickly. However...

When you depend on a new "love" to end your pain, you are looking outside yourself for the answer. This is dangerous. This person may be just a distraction or a substitute, not a vehicle that allows you to heal. If you have not dealt with the negative feelings created by your last relationship, these feelings are likely to surface and be transferred to your new relationship—this can take the form of suspicion and mistrust of your new "love" and yourself. More importantly, getting involved in another romantic relationship too soon can create a vicious cycle of dependence on something you can't control. This new " love" may leave too.

Healing is an inside job. Look for the signs that you are looking outside yourself for the temporary answers. This can take the form of a new “love”, alcohol or drugs to ease the pain, or excessive work to keep you busy. Rather than using distractions to postpone your grief, take the time and effort to truly heal. Look for the answer in something you can control – in yourself. Build your new life (see Healing Techniques). Make the journey and learn how to be happy without a dependence on other people and things. When you learn to be content without a romantic love in your life, you are probably ready to fall in love again. Sound strange?… not really, because no matter what happens in that new relationship, you will have learned how to be happy on your own, and no one can ever take this valuable lesson away from you!

Myth: It will be easier to get over an ex-love who has done dreadful things or is just plain wrong for you...

This argument is very logical. The person is not good, or not good for you, so it should be easy to dismiss him or her from your mind. However...

Love is emotional, not logical. You may have initially become intrigued with your ex-partner for logical reasons such as what he did for a living or what sports she liked, but you did not fall in love for these reasons. And these “facts” are certainly not the reason your love grew. Rather, it was emotional, wonderful, intense and even crazy at times. Love makes you feel things, not analyze things. And, we can often dismiss the facts about the limitations in our mate because we are so deeply in love. Yes, love is blind.

Yet, you are probably making a list with all the annoying things about your ex. Create your silly list and laugh about all these imperfections -- it can be fun and temporarily cathartic. But don't expect these facts to have a significant influence on what you are feeling. Even when your well-meaning friends point out all the dreadful things about your ex and ask, "why can't you see this?", realize that you do see it, but these facts have very little ability to ease the complex feelings of love. See Healing Techniques for more about concentrating on your feelings, rather than on the facts, to help you heal.

 

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