Make the private public
This draws on your unconscious and gives you perspective.
Speak that which has not been spoken-- don't hold it in and allow it to fester and destroy you. Rather, get it all out—your thoughts, feelings, expectations, associations, and the meaning and your interpretations.
To bravely make the private public…
* Write your life story. Back away from the current moment and write your life story. Include meaningful experiences, awards, victories, failures, injuries, illnesses, greatest accomplishments, dreams, and other losses.
* Talk your pain. Say, out loud, whatever comes to your mind, even if it is crude and untrue. Let your mind flow with nonstop talking. (Look in a mirror, if you wish).
* Sing your pain. Find songs that stir a feeling in you, such as pain or happiness. Sing at the top of your lungs.
* Dance your pain. Dance until you are spent or until the joy begins to appear. This is a way to express what is there, especially if you don't articulate yourself well. (For an example, see Anthony Quinn, in Zorba the Greek. He is a bigger than life man who, after the death of his son, dances his pain until he is able to bring his buried feelings to the surface.)
* Draw your pain. Doodle about the events that are on your mind. Let the unconscious take its form.
* Create an ongoing dialogue with a trusted friend. Share a 10-minute update a few times a week that includes: this is what happened, this is what I felt, this is what I realized, and this is how it is going to be a year from now.
Express your feelings
Letting your guard down is not sign of weakness, but rather, a sign of strength. It takes guts to express your feelings, rather than bury and deny that they exist. You may look and feel like crap, but it is what it is. Don't put a cover on it-- allow your emotions to escape so that you can truly deal with them. To do this…
* Peel the onion. Stop and acknowledge what you are feeling. Identify the raw emotion. Is it resentment?.. anger?.. fear? Peel back a layer to discover what feeling is behind this. Then peel back another layer, continually doing that until you find the root of your feelings. Once you do, you will have identified a “problem” you have the power to address.
For example, you may be feeling scared. What feeling is behind this? Maybe you are scared because you feel you will grow old alone. What feeling is behind this? Maybe you are scared of growing old alone because you don't have enough friends in your life. OK, you got it! You have identified a problem you can address—You can't do much about your raw feeling of fear, but you do have the power to make new friends.
Create your own future
The past cannot be changed, but the future is yet in your power. (Hugh White)
Give yourself hope that you can make it through the grief and come out better at the other end.
To build hope towards a happier future…
* Now and then… Reflect on the problem state (the now) and then the desired state (how you want it to be).
Now: Think about where you are now, what you know to be true, what you have discovered, how you feel.
Then: Think about how you will look and feel when you have healed. Close your eyes and imagine your facial expression.. your eyes, your lips. What are you wearing? How are you feeling? What are you doing?
* Sentence completion. In <time period> I want my life to be like this: <describe>
* Concentrate on being realistic rather than discouraged. Recognize that you are a work-in-progress. Don't listen to people who declare that you should “get over it” in a specified period of time. A goal is nice, but when you don't reach it, “Just keep throwin' six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.” (from: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert)
* Contemplate how you can improve yourself during this difficult journey you are making. A friend expressed it so much better than I can. When she sent me these beautiful thoughts, shortly after the loss of my love, I wasn't in a place where I could understand what she was saying. But, after almost two years, I believe every word of it. Carole wrote, Our journeys are not always what we hope for or what we expect but I am sure of one thing....that the path we are on is for a greater purpose and that it is an opportunity to open a door to another facet of who we are and who we can become…You are working really hard at getting the "old" Amy back but I believe that a "new" Amy will emerge with all of the wonderful qualities of the "old" but with many "new" gifts that will benefit not only you personally but all with whom you come in contact.
Eat, Sleep, Exercise
You may have lost your appetite and find it extremely difficult to sleep. As a result, you don't have the energy to exercise.
* If you can't eat, start small. Even a small amount of food will trigger your body into accepting more, slowly but surely.
* If you can't sleep, it is likely that, despite your exhaustion, your mind is going at rapid speed. Try the following relaxation techniques:
* Breathe steadily in through your nose and out your mouth. Use long, slow, deliberate breaths from your diaphragm (your belly button will be moving if you're doing it right).
* Target the organ that is your body's first sign of stress. For example, you may need to relax your jaw--open it, move it around, close it, repeat (yes, you look silly, but who cares).
* If you don't have enough energy or strength to do your regular exercise, do anything active, no matter how small and insignificant it may appear.
* Eat dark chocolate, in appropriate amounts. It stimulates endorphin production, which gives you pleasure. (But don't get carried away :-)
Evaluate your support systems
* You need people who are safe, supporting and encouraging. If you have people in your life who are defeating, put these relationships on the back burner for a while.
* Build a network of people who have shared a common experience. If you seek out commonality, you will be able to create trusting rapport among the relationships in this system.
* Create a support system of people who can contact each other when they are feeling down. Establish one or more phone number(s) each person can call when s/he is having a meltdown. The receiver can either take the call or pass it on to someone else in the system. This allows everyone to have somewhere to turn when s/he is feeling lonely and is in need of a dinner out with a friend, or a walk in the park, ot just an understanding ear.
Create a growth group of people who are prepared to learn. Your discussions should center on searching for the larger meaning in your losses. How can you grow as a result of your experiences?
Attempt to keep some routine in your life
The human body and mind need a certain amount of predictability and control. Yet, the loss of a significant relationship causes you to lose a sense of control over the things you once had and believed. Life is no longer as predictable as it once was. In fact, it may be spiraling out of control. So…
* Keep a routine with things you can control. Perhaps this is your work schedule or your exercise schedule. Try to keep things as organized as possible around you. This will give you a feeling that you still have some control in your life.
Stop beating yourself up
How could I have not seen this coming? Why did I get involved with a person who had such capacity to hurt me? How could I be so stupid? Stop it!.... You can't heal if you keep beating yourself up.
Your grief is an expression that you loved well. The world needs more love (isn't that a song?). Staying in love is not easy. Yet, you made a sincere and fervent attempt at it. You should be very proud of yourself!
But you should also be willing to look at your mistakes that got you into this pickle.
* Use some of the "making the private public" techniques to uncover what you did to create this mess you are in. Be willing to stay clear of another romantic relationship until you have examined yourself -- learn your lessons or you may end up repeating the class!
Laugh
This is not easy in the beginning, but...
* Find humor wherever you can. You may be offended when well-meaning friends make jokes about your ex or give you humorous break-up books. Attempt to laugh, at least a little bit, anyway. You will, eventually, find humor in some of the things that have happened to you. As Carrie Fisher observes, "It better get funny fast or it's just gonna be something that haunts you."
* If you're not ready to laugh, crack a smile. Start small. Smile for 10 seconds. Later, try increasing to 20, then 30 seconds. Somehow, the action you take on the outside affects how you feel on the inside.
* Give someone a compliment every day. When you see this person smile, you will smile too.
* Exaggerate your ex's annoying habits. Imagine your ex burping so loud that s/he is kicked out of restaurant or farting so forcefully that s/he blows up a bridge. Made you smile, didn't it?
Watch for more HEALING TECHNIQUES coming soon....
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