Myth: If you concentrate on what you have, you will stop thinking about what you have lost.
Counting your blessings is important. This will allow you to appreciate what you have. However...
Can this really allow you to get over what you have lost? You cannot simply replace one thing for another. Taking inventory of all your blessings may help, but it will not stop you from missing that one thing that was once such an important part of your life.
You do not have the power to snap your fingers and forget this person, but you do have the power to concentrate on getting well rather than wallowing in the pain. Whatever you give your attention to will only get stronger. So, focus your attention on all the healthy things you need to do to heal, rather than everything that nails you to the pain. As Norman Vincent Peale points out, "Change your thoughts and you change the world." However, this cannot happen overnight. See Healing Techniques for ways to focus your attention on healing rather than on the pain.
Myth: The pain I am feeling is bad. I must make it stop.
Yes, it hurts and it feels bad, really bad. You will do anything to make the pain go away. However...
It got your attention, didn't it? Life was cruising along and you were comfortable. But then, something happened-- you have lost a significant part of your life and you are forced to face the fact that so much of what you thought was true is not. The breaking of your heart has caused you to be kicked in the head. You have two choices -- ignore the pain or use that kick in the head to examine and improve yourself.
Consider the possibility that the pain is there to break you through to a different level. So, rather than using distractions that may temporarily subside or ignore the pain, allow yourself to feel it, truly feel it, and find meaning in your experience. When we resist the pain, it will surface again and again and again because you didn't allow yourself to get the message you needed to learn. Although this process can be agonizing in the short run, it is healthier for the long run to go through the grief, rather than around it. This does not mean that you can simply wallow. Rather, you must be willing to uncover amazing things along the way, and eventually, when the lessons have been learned, be willing to let go. See Healing Techniques for ways to use the pain to improve yourself.
Myth: Your friend who experienced a relationship loss will be fine because s/he is a strong person.
You are thinking about your friend before the break-up. However...
After the break-up, the shock and pain of the loss will often create profound changes in your friend. Feelings such as fear, confusion, sadness, anger, shame, depression, and loneliness will cause the strength that was once there to weaken. If you are a well-meaning friend who continues to point out the strength and vitality your friend once had, rather than recognize that there are significant changes, your grieving friend will not have the guts to let go and instead, will put a cover on what s/he is truly feeling or, just as concerning, engage in harmful behavior in silence.
Rathering than assuming your friend's strength will continue throughout the difficult journey of grief, keep a watchful eye... for as long as it takes. See Healing Techniques for ways to be present for your friend.
Myth: Just forgive your ex. You'll feel much better if you do.
Yes you will, but anger does not go away simply because you want it to. You cannot truly forgive in the depth of your heart simply by saying you do. However...
Your healing is impeded by the negativity you are carrying. But you cannot shoot directly for forgiveness without understanding what is at the root of your anger. You need to uncover and address the raw feelings that are causing your anger, blame, resentment and your failure to forgive. Is it a fear of being alone?... an inability to trust again?... a lack of control over what you will do next in your life?
Make the private public. The sickness is always in the secrets. So, be honest with yourself. Allow yourself to feel your negative feelings, but don't stop there-- peel back a layer and examine what is behind that feeling. It is only then that you can deal with what is standing in the way of your ability to forgive. See Healing Techniques for examples.
